My diary now belongs to anyone listening to me

What if I pretended to have my diary again? If I pretend hard enough, all the howling in the desert will be singing.

Sean told me to feed the birds, but there were no birds or seed to give them outside. There were bugs, large ones, but if a bird was to eat a bug that large, I probably shouldn’t be feeding them at all.

I left the rv and the blinds shut tightly, keeping me from completely seeing the conversation room they had in there. I had no idea that Sean had brought a movie, but his jacket was very big. It had been so long since I was in Seans jacket; a long time since he let the folds of leather fall over me like a gentle mist.

I walked. I could have walked for days. I didn't know how to stop walking, and I didn't want to see what would happen if I stopped. I can see why Evan got so scared when he was on acid and thought he was walking for a month. The mountains are suffocating and they beg me for attention. I yearn for the land to run flat and hot like it did in the east. The many rock formations around me make me feel like Im in a lion's mouth.

Then I stopped, suddenly, even though I really didnt want to. I look up at the moon, which was something of a creamy yellow color, and caused the spotty bits of snow around me to glow. It casted fat shadows over whatever rose above the sand. Then I looked down at something more yellow than the moon. It was Simcha, round and well fed, like a pumpkin in the sun. Then, a large window opened up in the sky.

"I can show you the way out", she said.

I laid down next to Simcha, my face meeting hers when I placed myself on my side like I had done on the carpet in the living room.

"But I don't want to leave", I replied after a few moments of searching Simcha's face for memory, "To leave is to look for something better, but I don't want to look anymore. I want to die right now and I want this to be my last life and I don't want to come back".

"But you won't be coming back. You were made for this one experience, Aleph. Im sure that changes how you value your current and only life"

I nodded from where my head was placed on the ground and felt my hair mixing with the sand and bedding itself in my ear as I did so.

"There is no way out but through, so I will tell you this. The Highway Coyotes and Sean are not watching a movie you haven't seen before. They have the Fantasy Day of Revenge film. Its Denver Fay's death. Sean told you about the bearspray but never the camera."

Im looking through a crack in the blinds of the window of the Highway coyotes's van, but it feels like a mirror because what I am looking at is myself; a video of me as I lay down in the yew bushes, and because it feels like a mirror, I panic and try to get myself to stop moving but I cant. Its already happened. Its just a video.

And then it was over, but could still see myself in the television. Ive always wanted to be a movie star, but something felt wrong now.